A Work in Progress – By Guest Writer – Marilyn L. Redmond
One of my first memories is my mother telling me, “Don’t feel that way”. I wanted to tell her about my sexual abuse. I did not understand at age five what was happening to me. I quit any feelings at that time because there was no point. Growing up in a family that was alcoholic and mentally ill, I was not aware that I was in a home without any emotional availability. There was no trust, no talk, and no feelings.
Then a few years later, I heard on a radio show, a song by the dummy, Mortimer Snerd, of the famous ventriloquist Edgar Bergen. He sang, “It pays to be ignorant; it pays to be ignorant just like me”. I thought if I did not know about life, I would be in a better place. This was the decision of a young inexperienced child. Therefore, my growing up was not in reality. I put my head in the sand like an ostrich and over the years what I did not know, grew into a huge crisis.
My body told me I was dying from the prescription drugs, my first psychiatrist prescribed. Throughout my marriage, my husband strangled and raped me several times, trying to kill me. I was trying suicide to remove myself for the domestic violent marriage. It was time to grow up.
I found myself in a hospital treatment center for co-dependency and then they intervened me for addiction to the prescription medications. That is where I first heard that addiction is a family disease of no trust, no talk, and no feelings; I knew immediately that was my problem. I could not trust untrustworthy parents or my husband, there was no communication in either family, and I had no feelings. I had to start changing this to survive and not die. My new psychiatrist told me, a quote by Socrates, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
In college, I thought I found someone with which I could talk; In recovery, I later realized we were both abused children who never grew up. I felt I could trust him at first because we could converse. We were in accord and I thought this was great at the time. However, in my marriage, alcohol and smoking continued to keep my feelings suppressed, as to feel emotions was still not safe. That I married a man as sick as I was, brought an awakening. Finally, I realized that even thought I was still emotionally 3 years old; I had to leave the marriage, as he could not mature. I had to divorce him.
With counseling, 12 step programs, and meditation, I found the answers to move into being emotionally available. As I developed a conscious contact with my higher power in meditation, I started to hear guidance to move out of my past conditioning of fear, guilt and shame. I could practice healthy communications in my 12 step programs. It was time to replace survival skills with loving solutions, instead of staying in my terror. Learning to substitute new behaviors for defense mechanisms was improving the quality of my life.
I began to understand the universal laws and that was a landmark change. I had attracted a man as emotionally unavailable as I was, as “Like attracts like. It turns out the people around me are playing the parts that are a reflection of me for my awareness. These are the traits I need to change. When I change, my life around me it adjusts to my new perceptions and actions. I really do create my own reality.
In the movie, “Ground Hog Day” with Bill Murray, this change is day by day. We keep coming back in new lives continually to learn to change into a selfless person from a selfish person. This is my purpose in life. I learned that I had to do the changing to find a man that was emotionally mature. Then, I could attract a person that was healthy and caring.
I proceeded to do a makeover on me. This was a colossal shift for me. It took time to find emotionally safe groups to join so I could trust them. Gradually, I found myself in improved communications, because I was not so fearful and in survival when around safe people.
I am still thawing out from being the iceberg. Allowing all my walls of protection to crumble, one by one has been the difference. Each time I am more emotionally available my boyfriend’s energy comes into my space more noticeably. I was the one keeping out love by my defensiveness and protective mechanisms.
I have to be what I want in a relationship. However, this time I had a partner willing to change too. Trusting and honest communicating came together over time; however, feeling my feelings came last for me. For nearly 16 years of learning to communicate, trust, and have all my feelings with my fellow has been quite an adventure, emotionally. As, I have been growing, it has given him confidence to also grow emotionally, feeling safe to express himself in a deeper way. It has been a gradual change, for both of us.
I find that allowing real love into my life is the biggest fear of all. Today, however I am almost thawed. It has taken 31 years to be able for me to receive the depth of real emotions. Last weekend, I had the experience of receiving unconditional love without my walls of protection. Yes, I found a man emotionally available. I ended up emotionally checking out for 24 hours to allow my energy to open up to it. Now, I am adjusting to being open to receiving. I am still a work in progress.
Rev. Marilyn Redmond, BA, CHT, IBRT is a Holistic Health Counselor, consultant, medium/psychic, and speaker. She is also an award winning international writer, author, syndicated columnist, consultant, regressions counselor, and teacher. She writes a column for “The Sussex Newspaper” and shares the dynamics of life through her own experience. Marilyn is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, soul healing, and does Past Life Regressions. Enjoy her latest books, “Road to Success” and “Paradigm Busters, Reveal the Real You”, and other books that are available on Amazon.com. They are inspirational and helpful.