by Guest Blogger – Marilyn Redmond.
I was just like Pinocchio in the story of the puppet. Most of my life I did not have a feeling. As a child, I was told not to feel. My family pulled the strings. I jumped as high as I needed to fit into my family’s demands. When I married, I did the same with my husband. I used my pleasing personality to cover my empty insides. I did what I was told to do. I looked good on the outside, while I was dying on the inside.
I did not want to feel my fear, anger, or anxiety because the pains of abuse were too strong and hurtful. Unknowingly, I stuffed my feelings with alcohol, prescription drugs, food, overachieving, and being a workaholic. This stopped my emotions of fear, guilt, and shame, for years.
Over time, suppressing my fears and secrets often caused medical symptoms. I found that even though I went to church, illness is a signal that I am not connected in consciousness with my higher power. It took years to realize that toxic substances as drinking and prescriptions from the doctors impaired my best intentions. They actually stopped my spiritual union, emotional growth, and suppressed the few feelings I had.
The night I knew I was going to die, from my husband’s manic driving home from a vacation, I prayed for help. “God, please help me, I really do not want to die.” My prayers were answered quickly. I found myself in a treatment center for co-dependency and then stayed for being addicted to the prescriptions that the doctor gave me.
The information that I lived in an environment of “No talk, no trust, and no feelings” was my” aha” moment. Their classes offered tools to change my self-destructing behaviors for a healthy conscious life. Ultimately, I learned to release my negative, non-productive thoughts, behaviors, and communications.
One tool was a helpful key. I was to find something I appreciated about the person, with whom I was most angry. I had been demanding love from my stepfather that was not possible. A new thought could fill the void left from the resentment I carried. I replaced it with acknowledging that I had a roof over my head and food. Replacing the negative for the positive was new to me. This was tough, as I never had looked at things from this point of view.
I had to be honest with myself. Over time, ignoring my inner messages had caused more problems than I realized. Honesty allows me to replace the old depressing past that was blocking off love. I had been the walking dead. Love can now flow through my life.
Over the last 31 years of releasing my earlier period of despair, I found information for understanding that fear can change to love for others and myself. This is called becoming mature. My life has evolved into finding the “Great Reality” of love within. This creates my living in the moment. I changed to projecting my new inward love.
Since I changed, I was able to find a healthy man. Because like attracts like, I found a person with the inner qualities I was becoming. I am treated with respect and caring. We have been together for almost 16 years of unconditional love. I trust myself and do what
is best for me. Today, I am emotionally available to experience love and joyful feelings as my reward. I am able to communicate candidly. I trust him to be kind and supportive.
As I release the past emotional baggage, feeling good, being in joy, and grateful, becomes my daily focus. I have evolved into the person I was born to be. I have come alive and out of the darkness. Living in the presence of love, the sunlight of the spirit, feels good. I have feelings that I enjoy and embrace. Today, I am able to be myself. I pull my own strings.
Rev. Marilyn Redmond, BA, CHT, IBRT is a Holistic Health Counselor, consultant, and speaker. She is also an award winning international writer, syndicated columnist, consultant, regressions counselor, and teacher. She writes a column for “The Sussex Newspaper” and shares the dynamics of life through her own experience. Marilyn is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, soul healing, and does Past Life Regressions. She is a candidate for a doctorate degree.
Connect with her books here – http://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC